Knowledge Is Power

Part Two - The Practical Stuff

This whole experience has been a giant learning curve for me. I have discovered that in many ways I have been the modern equivalent of Betty Draper, the quintessential '60's housewife from Madmen.
I may be all "girl power" on the outside but turns out I have the financial skills of a goldfish on crack.

All of the boring things like paying the bills and managing the day today financial grind of running a house have somewhat wafted past me.

Don't get me wrong, I have always contributed financially, I just never really thought too much about what happened to the money after I deposited it in the joint account. I didn't need to, Martin was good at that stuff. In any partnership you assume your roles, it is just the way that it is.
I am and always have been pretty random when it comes to money matters. Maybe it's the creative in me, or maybe it's the fact that I dropped maths in fifth form and enrolled in drama instead. Which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about me vs fiscal responsibility.

But in the past seven weeks I have had to step up because if I didn't then I would currently be sitting in a freezing house wondering why nothing is coming out of the taps.

And because everything happened a lot faster than we had anticipated I have had to learn on the job. And employ detective skills that Hercule Poirot would be proud of in order to find out some pretty basic information. Not the least of which being "where exactly is our money invested because I remember signing some stuff but I have no idea where it is filed".
And yes, I know, ridiculous right? But after 21 years with someone you don't always pay full attention when they are mansplaining things to you after a couple of glasses of red wine (sorry M, I know I nodded sagely at the time but a lot of things flew right over my head)

So here a few pointers in case, heaven forbid, you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Have a spreadsheet, list everyone that you pay, what dates those payments are made, what accounts they are coming out of and where possible have direct debits set up. And when you set them up make sure that they coming out of an account that will not be frozen whilst the bank wait for probate to come through. A process that can take months, so be prepared for that as well.

And I say these things from painful experience.
Two weeks after Martin died I received a letter from the bank listing fifteen Direct Debits and Credits that had been arbitrarily cancelled when they froze his personal accounts.
Which meant fifteen calls to various institutions and service providers saying the same exhausting, soul destroying things over and over again.
Which is the stuff that leads to afternoon whiskey drinking...

Also do not be in a hurry to deactivate their mobile or decommission their email. You will need to re-set a lot of passwords, new passwords are either sent by email or text message. You will need to be able to access these things. They can also give you information about the whereabouts of funds, unpaid bills and service providers that your partner may have just dealt with directly

And now for the really hard stuff

Whatever your situation, if you share your life with another human being then you need to discuss the following things. Ideally over a nice bottle of wine,somewhere beautiful where death feels like an abstract concept.
This is the part that we got right and I am beyond grateful that we did.

• Do you both have Wills? Do you both know what is in them?  Do you know where are they physically located? Ideally you should have copies on file with your solicitor. So many friends and family have told me lately that they do not have a Will. I am very passionate about this one, If you have children it is a non-negotiable, and if you don't, it's still pretty much a non-negotiable.

So just do it and once it is done you don't really need to think about it again. It does not have to be expensive, you can do it yourself off the internet (a two second Google yielded this https://newzealandwillkit.co.nz/) Or Citizens Advice will help you. I'll help you, that is how important I think it is.

• If the very worst happens, do you want medical personal to try and revive you, and yeah that one is really tough but in some circumstance your partner will be asked what your wishes are and that moment,when you are upside down and back to front and your world is falling apart is not the moment to be second guessing yourself because you don't know the answer

• Organ donation - yes or no? Obviously this information is on your driving license but it's much better to have a heads up rather than finding out at the worst possible time that your partner has promised their body for medical experiments.

• Burial vs cremation?

• Religious or non-religious ceremony? If either of you are religious then you probably have a church already. If going for a secular ceremony is there a particular venue that you have a connection to? 

• What music would you like to have played? Make your playlists together. And update them whenever the mood takes you. I know it sounds morbid and confronting but actually that part can be rather fun. You will be surprised at the passionate musical debates that can ensue. As in "seriously, Toto???" And if your partner fancies going out to the strains of "Africa" may I humbly suggest that you consider rethinking your relationship, same goes for anything by James Blunt. That may even be grounds for a quickie divorce.

• Hymns or no hymns? Personally speaking any kind of forced communal singing gives me flashbacks to a room smelling of cabbage filled with kids slowly sucking the life out of "Jerusalem" and "All things Bright and Beautiful" (St Denys school hall circa 1972). I swear that God must have had his ear plugs in every morning at 8.00am UK Standard time. But hey, some people really love a good hymn or two, just like Karaoke only (relatively) sober.

These are always going to be confronting and difficult conversations, to face the mortality of someone that you love head on takes emotional courage but you only need to do it once and if you can do it you are giving each other a priceless gift.
To able to answer those questions without hesitation, when they are being asked by people that you do not know, because they HAVE to know, is empowering.
You cannot control what is happening or has happened to your person, or what is happening to you, but being able to say "I know that this is what they would want" takes away a lot of self doubt and pain. It also shuts down any dissent immediately, believe me, noone is going to argue with that sentence.
If they do then they are just being an arse and you have my permission to tell them so...kindly and lovingly of course.

And now for something completely different,,,

Part One - The Emotional Stuff:




Knowing that something is going to happen is not the same as having it actually happen. The fact that you may have seen the train heading towards you in no way diminishes the extent of the damage that it causes on impact.
When you live with someone who has been diagnosed in the later stages of a terminal illness you tell yourselves a lot of things.
That you will be exceptions, that you will beat this awful thing together, that you will fight it with every weapon at your disposal, that sheer tenacity and will to live will win out in the end.
And you need to tell yourselves that because that it what drives you to keep fighting even when things look hopeless.
And sometimes, for a lucky few, those things turn out to be true.

But the bottom line is that if the diagnosis comes at stage four, there is no stage five.
This is never going to be a fair fight, the dice are loaded and the bad guys are likely to win in the end. Which doesn't mean that you have to make it easy for them and it doesn't mean that you give in to despair and take to your bed like a heroine in a romantic novel from the 1800's

What does mean is that you fight back by making every day count. You look the truth in the face, as unflinchingly as you can and you look to your person and you say "you are here NOW, we have NOW...let's make it count"
And that means different things to different people. You don't have to have a "bucket list" - we always hated that expression. Noone has to jump out of a perfectly good aeroplane or go swimming with large toothy fish. Unless of course they really want to do that in which case you need quash your own fears and support them. You do not have to do it with them though. Especially not if they want to combine the two and jump out of an aircraft into shark infested waters...that is just crazy and you should probably try and talk them out of that idea.
The best way to make every day count is by continuing to make plans, by saying yes instead of no, by being their co-driver instead of their handbrake.

Earlier this year Marty wanted to to go to the Argentina for the World Cup qualifying round.
It was a last minute opportunity to go with his brother and he was given 24 hours notice.
Instead of saying "have you gone mad?" I said "do you need me to help you pack?"
He had the most amazing time, yes he was tired and in pain for some of the trip but he wouldn't have given it up for anything and his brother will never forget that time that they spent together.

I guess what I am trying to say is once you know that the storm is coming, even if you batten down the hatches and secure the anchor, it is going to come anyway.  So you may as well lash yourself to the mast and face it head on, because these really are the days that you are going to remember when the storm has passed. You should make them as extraordinary and life affirming as you can.

And if you hate your job and you have the means to do it, now is the time to quit. Work will still be there when you come out the other side but wouldn't you rather spend the time banking memories?
It was best decision that I made in the last three months of Martin's life. I only wish that I had the courage and foresight to do it sooner.

If you have money put aside for a rainy day then I would ask trust me on this one, it is never going to rain any harder on you than it is right now.

Do all of the things, say all of the things, because these are the memories that will sustain you later on, when  you are feeling more alone than Tom Hanks before he found Wilson the basketball on that deserted island.

And in the aftermath...

Embrace new things and new people. Your energy will be different now, you will attract different kinds of people. You will attract more empaths. People who have been where you are will be drawn to you. It's not a "misery loves company" thing, it's more of a "recognition" thing. And it's a good thing, embrace it.

It is OK to talk about your loss, but is also OK not to.
The most important thing to remember is to be kind, Other people are also grieving for your person.
The emotional Tsunami that wiped you out also crushed a part of them.
You are all in the same leaky boat, it's just that their boat will somehow keep sailing forwards with a big hole in it and yours has just washed up on the rocks.
People will want to talk to you about the person that you have all lost, it is important for all of you that you have those conversations.
But it is hard, and you shouldn't underestimate that. And you need to be aware that at in the early stages your main job, your primary responsibility, is to take care of yourself.

I had a moment, sitting at lunch with a friend when the realization hit me that I was becoming exhausted saying the same things over and over. And at that moment I knew that I needed to get away by myself for a bit.
Because talking to other people about what you have lost helps with processing it to a point. But some things you really do have to do alone.

Do not allow yourself to become a vessel for everyone else's pain, you have your own pain and it is more than enough to deal with. No one expects you to fix them, they are on their own path and coming to terms with the loss of their friend or family member in their own way. All you can do is be kind to one another.

Which is important to remember because people will say some weird sh!t to you!

Not because they are insensitive or cruel, just because it is the way that it is. Nobody knows what to say but as humans we fear a void. And so we fill it with whatever we can. And sometimes what we fill it with is kind of odd, or inappropriate or premature (exhibit A, "you are still relatively young, you will meet someone else")
They are not trying to hurt you, or seem indelicate, they are trying to comfort you and be there for you and sometimes they will get it wrong. Give everyone a leave pass for a while, same leaky boat remember.

People will tell you how strong you are being. This does not obligate you to maintain a facade of strength. It does not mean that they will think less of you if you if you fall apart in front of them.
As someone that I love very much said to me "it is OK to lose your shit anytime you need to"
Your people will be always be your people, you just have to trust them enough to let them really see you.

If you have been on this ride for a while then chances are that 80% of your grieving may already be done by the time you get to ground zero. But that last 20%...that is  the part that you may never get over.  And that is OK.

But you cannot allow it to consume you either.
It is OK to go out and have a brilliant night with people who love you and forget about it all for a while.
You are a person not a shrine.
You still have a life to live and the person that you have lost would not have had it any other way. They would be happy to see you laughing, they would wrap their arms around you and tell you that it is alright to be happy again, that that is all that they really want for you now.
The love doesn't go away. You will still feel them around you, often when you least expect to. They are out there in the ether lighting your way forward.
They are that voice in your head when you are feeling overwhelmed saying "you've got this".
Some days you will be braver than you ever thought possible. You will have conversations on the phone with faceless strangers who are "sorry for your loss" but will still tangle you up in a webs of bureaucracy. Who will follow their well intentioned condolences with a polite request for a copy of a death certificate.
And every time that happens you will think that it will break you, but it won't. You will send them what they need, brace yourself, and make another call, and another, until the words become almost devoid of meaning and every call becomes just another task that you have to complete.

And some days you will listen to to your person's voicemail message over and over whilst you sit on the couch in their dressing gown in the middle of the afternoon and sob into a glass of their very expensive whisky. Knowing that they would have been be furious with you for adulterating it with ice and water because you have never really been  a whisky drinker...until now.

You may be having a day when you cross multiple tasks off of the seemingly endless list that you have to get through to slowly and painfully erase the person that you loved from the public record, or a day when getting out of bed and having a shower feels like a major accomplishment... and yet you do it anyway.
It is important to appreciate that either way you are still here, still breathing, still feeling, still moving forward.
And that they would be so very proud of you for that.

This could be the end of everything or the beginning of another chapter. Try not to reach back for the life that you had before. It is still there but it will never be the same as it was. Instead try to look forward with an open heart. And say all the things, do all things, do it for the person that you lost and do it for yourself.

Just probably not the skydiving into sharks thing...